I know I’m late to the party but have you heard this song by Taylor Swift, featuring Bon Iver?! It’s so beautifully made and moving.
It speaks of a prominent theme I see in my office working with couples. One partner feels like they are leaving so many warning signs that they are unhappy. The other feels blindsided with no idea their partner is so miserable.
This is a heartbreaking situation for both. Both are left feeling alone and on the outside. How can you keep this from happening in your relationship?
1. Use Your Words. Don’t make your partner mind read. If you are feeling more disconnected and discouraged, take the time to tell your partner. In healthy relationships you both will be growing and changing so chances are they are reading you with an outdated lens, upgrade them!
2. Update Your Profile. Keep connected to who your partner is in the here and now. When you have dedicated couples time (date night, road-trips, evening walks), use apps like Paired or Love Decks to ask questions about their current inner world. These apps are amazing at getting to know what your partner is being fulfilled by and drained by these days. The more you know about their highs and lows the more you can meet their needs and vice versa.
3. Be the Change You Want To See. If you are the one feeling like you’re giving so many signs that are getting missed, ask your partner the questions you’re longing for them to ask you. Sometimes we need to help our partner help us. When you ask the questions, it is likely that your
partner will reciprocate, and ask you. Don’t wait for your partner to give you what you long for. Set your relationship up for success by initiating what you want to have present.
I hope this helps you grow your connection so that signs of distress or misery don’t get missed by your partner. Check out my colleague’s blog for more ideas for connecting.
If you are looking for further help in hearing each other out, please reach out. I offer couples counseling in person and online in Northern Colorado where I can serve clients with in person sessions in Berthoud, Loveland, and Fort Collins. You can fill out the contact form on my website, email me, call or text. Your relationship can feel more connected, let’s make those updates in your needs seen and fulfilled so that your partner feels like your homeland again.