When it’s been a while…

Changes in frequency in sexual experiences with your partners are common and the result of many factors. One of the biggest factors is stress. If our bodies and minds are under stress, libido is one of the first desires to take a back seat. With everything going on in our world right now, who isn’t stressed?!

Another factor that could be affecting our sexual experiences with each other could be lack of consistent and genuine connection outside of sexual encounters. If we are connecting in ways we used to that no longer work or the ways our culture tells us we ought to connect, many of our efforts may fall flat. Instead, focus your attention on the unique intricacies of YOUR relationship and partner. Here are some ways to reconnect.

Get Back to the Basics
What used to make you both feel so connected and happy? Try a walk down memory lane and connect the way you used to (a picnic in that favorite spot, that one movie you both love and know all the lines to, going to a concert with a band who plays your song). This can help you get back to the sweetness of the friendship that brought you together at the beginning.

If one or both of you is finding that this isn’t as fulfilling, be honest and provide suggestions to alter your time together so that draws you closer in ways that work for you now. Read this article from my friend and colleague for more ideas on how to connect.

Get Updates From Each Other
Like I mentioned above, when we’ve been in relationship with our partner for a while, we can rely on points of connection that no longer have the same impact. Set up a time to update each other on your current likes/dislikes when you are engaging in sexual experiences. You may be surprised how your partner’s interests have changed!

I love using this handout with my clients to help them share what’s currently turning them on/off and what elements are needed so that the sexual experience is more enjoyable.

Make a Plan
Ok, now that you have a more updated idea of what is needed for you both to want to connect sexually, now lets make it happen! Scheduling sex gets a bad rep but think about it…we schedule what is important to us. Doctor’s appointments, hair appointments, and meetings all make it on the calendar so why wouldn’t you prioritize connecting with your partner by scheduling in this time. This can be a designated time during the week/weekend or planning a trip or night away.

Getting a hotel close to home or scheduling a trip can help by removing the distractions at home that keep you from connecting. If you don’t have the resources to get away, you can create and environment in your home that is romantic and free of distractions as well.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! If you’re looking for northern Colorado counseling for more support around improving your sexual experiences with your partner, reach out for couple’s counseling in my Loveland office or through online therapy.